Bereavement Support from Pastor Doris Owen

I felt that it was appropriate to mention a few thoughts that you might find helpful at this moment in time with regard to the death of Pastor Edwin.
 
Bereavement is very much an individual thing in that each person reacts differently.  Having said that, there are some things that are common to most of us and which are a normal part of bereavement, even though at times we may not realise that others are feeling exactly the same way to a greater or lesser extent.
The closer the relationship we had with the person who is no longer with us, the deeper the impact will be on our lives, regardless of whether that person was a blood relative or a friend. Edwin had become a friend to many both inside and outside the church and has shared times of upset, worry, illness and also times of celebrations and good things that have happened to us; so he was much more to us than a Minister who stood and preached up front.
I think that bereavement is a bit like the lockdown situation in that to a certain extent we cease to function properly. We can feel exhausted physically - and yet we are sitting doing nothing and do not feel up to tackling the things that we would normally do each day. We go brain-dead and can't concentrate on things properly or may even find it difficult to listen to a conversation. Our sleep can be affected either by the lack of it or by weird mixed-up dreams. Eating habits become quite odd when some find that they are not able to eat and others comfort-eat and eat twice as much! Generally speaking, as we begin to cope with the bereavement our sleeping and eating habits get back to normal and we are more able to go about our usual way of life.
Some who have had other bereavements in the past two years may be having more of a struggle than others. I have lost my mother and two brothers in the past eighteen months so even though they did not live near and we did not have a very close relationship there is still grief inside me for them. It is as if the grief accumulates and every now and then I find my thoughts and feelings switching from one to the other so that I may be thinking of Edwin one day and my Mam the next - Thoughts of one seem to trigger off thoughts of the other.
I am aware that some in the church have recently lost their jobs because of the lockdown/etc and this too can make it harder to cope and get back to normal because there is then an uncertain future and a not knowing what normality is likely to be and is in itself a grief situation.
As Christians how does this affect us spiritually? From a praying point of view I would say that things have the same impact on our spirits as they do on our bodies and minds. I know that many in the church have found it difficult to pray these past few weeks. This very much concerns them and makes them feel as if they are not good Christians if they are unable to pray at times like this. However, I would say that this is a normal part of bereavement and is something that will adjust as the bereavement is coped with and as sleeping and eating patterns get back to normal. It is nothing to worry about if this takes a number of weeks. Speaking personally, and to give some idea of a time scale, it is now six weeks since Edwin died and I am only just beginning to be able to get back to normal - Although Edwin did tell me on occasion that I was never normal!
If we have relationship with someone on a spiritual level as well as a relative/friendship level, then the grief seems to go much deeper. As Christians this can cause us concern because we feel guilty at missing a friend more than a close relative and do not always feel that we can justify this - even to other Christians.
Why? Why? Why? We don't know why but there are two things that I can certainly say about this. From a spiritual point of view Edwin's death has had a great impact on both the church and the community as well as all of the things that he did when he was alive. It has altered the level of prayer in the church and brought about a unison to a greater extent. For the non-Christians in our community it has caused them to consider the aspects of death and their own deaths and this has been heightened by the coronavirus and lockdown. 
The second thing I would state is that God knows what He is doing. To us it may seem that Edwin's life was cut short, but to God he had obviously completed on earth what God had wanted him to do. It is in our natures to want to know the answers for things that happen, but, God does not have to give us reasons. He is in complete control of whatever happens on this earth. We only see our little bit but God sees the whole picture.
What can I do that might help me?
Just take your time. For some this is obviously going to be longer than for others. Try to talk to someone about how you really feel about the whole situation - sad, upset, puzzled, angry. If you do not feel up to talking to anyone it may be helpful to write things down - even if you then tear it up! Don't worry about not being able to pray or read your Bible; that will go OK once your body and head get back to normal. Try to avoid going mad and decorating every room in the house to stop yourself thinking about things - You will eventually have to sit down and take things easy for a bit but it will then take longer because you have bottled things up. It is OK to have a cry. Little things that are reminders to you about Edwin may trigger you off and get you upset again but the times that happens will get less as time goes on.
We will all miss Pastor Edwin very much but he would want us to carry on with the things that he and the Leadership team have put in place so that we are continuing the vision for the church.
I trust that these thoughts will be a help to you. Please feel free to get in touch with me, via the church, if you need to talk to someone. If you know of anyone who is not on the internet would you please let them know that a copy of this can be posted to them if they wish.
 
God bless
Doris